1. She brings out the best in me.
2. She makes me forget my worries.
3. She makes me happy.
4. She makes me feel loved.
5. She inspires me.
6. She’s different from other girls.
7. She makes me laugh.
8. She gets me jealous.
9. She accepts me for what I am.
10. I’m afraid to lose her.
11. She plays a big part in my life
12. We really connected.
13. I always want to be with her.
14. I want her to be happy.
15. I make her jealous to get her attention.
16. We bring out the craziness inside of each other.
17. We can’t live a day without seeing each other.
18. Her presence makes me feel energized.
19. Her absence makes me weak.
20. She cares for me.
21. I think about her everyday.
22. I think about our future together.
23. I can live without her but life would be miserable.
24. I will fight for her till there are no reasons to fight for.
25. I am not afraid to show my affection in public.
26. She makes me feel complete.
27. She makes an effort just to see me.
28. She was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
29. I am ready to give up everything for her.
30. She’s my world.
31. She’s the reason why I keep carrying on with my life.
32. We’ll go crazy without each other.
33. We’re like best of friends already.
34. She’s my only best friend. :c
35. She listens to me and understands me.
36. She’s the only girl who made me cry. A lot
37. She’s the one. I just know it
38. I regret taking her for granted. It was the biggest mistake of my life
39. Now that I lost her I don’t know where my life is going.
40. I love her more than anything else in the world.

If not having me in your life will make you happy. Just say so and I’ll let this be. But I’m not even gonna get tired of blogging about what I feel though because somehow it helps me unload things I’ve been keeping myself. Somehow it makes me feel better and gives me more time to think.

Look, I am not rushing into this. If you need time to think, I am willing to wait if that is there is a chance that you might open your heart again and give love another chance. I am not begging, I don’t want you to pity me. I know hoping for something might give me another set of heartaches but I am ready for it, I know it’s worth the try. I will not give up easily into this without even fighting. So if you will let me in time or you want the other way around to happen, that is to stop this then so be it. I can’t do anything if that’s your decision. It’s your happiness that matters the most to me even it means you leaving me for good.

Take time to think about it.

You know that feeling when you used to have all the right to care and do everything just to make someone feel okay and happy? Well that was before things became complicated between the both of you. Now you feel so limited and all you can do is to show at least the slightest trace of care to save your broken heart even if you really wanted to show some more.

We texted earlier and I found out that she’s sick and she’s gonna be in the hospital today. I replied “:/ get well soon. take care” . I really wanted to say more, but then I realized that we have our boundaries now. I thought about asking to visit her so we can talk and have time together but I think it’s not gonna work if she really wants me away. It awful just thinking about what we used to be and what we are right now. I can’t even start moving on ‘cause I know what I am feeling and it’s still the same. I missed saying “I miss you.” Missed saying “Take care of yourself okay? <3” I missed saying “I love you” and “I love you so much.” and “Forever.” I missed hearing how you say words like “Don’t ever leave me, okay?” “Just be mine, okay?” “I’m forever yours babe, don’t worry.” and “I will never leave you. I promise”. It leaves me wondering what happened to us and try so hard to accept things. That we have our different worlds now. That someday, you’ll meet someone and maybe have something that’s even better than what we had, which is what I am really afraid to see. I’d rather be dead than see that happen ‘cause for me you are the only one and no one else.

First of all, thank you for everything that I have now. You’ve been giving me a lot of blessing these past years and you never fail to give me what I ask. I’ve been praying selfishly, I’m aware of that but I don’t forget to say how thankful I am everyday and share my blessings to others.

Anyway, I lost the right person that you gave me whom I love the most. I’ve been asking you for a person like her to come into my life since I was a kid remember? I’ve waited for so long for her to come until mid 2010. I got her and I was grateful. My heart was filled with joy and love. I’ve never felt that feeling of being loved by someone who matters the most to you. She started to be an inspiration. She was now the reason why I wake up in the morning. The reason why I go to school. The reason why I should carry on with life and worry about nothing because she will always be there for me.

As months past, we started planning our future ahead of us. How we will wait for each other after college. How we will face the real life. Have work. Places we’d visit together. Age we’d get married. Kids we’d have. Place we’d start a family.

But we weren’t aware that along these plans and the longer we spend time together comes the changes we started trying to live with. We said it was part of growing up and it doesn’t matter as long as we love each other more than anything else.

I’ve been complacent thinking that she will never leave me because I thought she loved me that much. I was wrong taking her for granted, making her wait for me to text her, prioritizing things that gives me only temporary happiness than her. She doesn’t deserve any of these. What I did was wrong. 

She said she doesn’t love me, that she doesn’t feel a thing anymore. But I don’t usually believe something like that thinking about what we had the last time we were together. I don’t think that she was faking it that time. A lot happened in the last two days that we were together. That meaningful kiss we had before I sent her home which was the highlight of the night, I felt like it was the first time we kissed again and I got really sad after that because I’m going home in the morning, I know she felt it too. Those meaningful words we said to each other and the time and effort we spent together. I can see everything in her eyes, how happy she was about us before. So what was that all about if all this time she said that she was just pretending to save the relationship? I didn’t even sense any pretentions.

Also, please give me the strength to face and accept the truth. I am so fed up with lies and I don’t know what to believe in anymore. One thing that I know is that her feelings for me aren’t really gone, it’s still there hidden somewhere. Feelings don’t go away just like that right?

So once again I am asking you this Lord God. Tell her how I really care for her, that I was wrong before and now I learned my lesson already. That she means a lot to me and I’d do anything to get her back. I’ll make her feel loved and special because she deserves to be treated like that from the start. Open her heart again and tell her to reconsider. I am willing to give up everything for her. I am not asking for a miracle here, everything is up to you. I just believe in one last chance to make things right.

And if I’m wrong to what I still believe in then let this be. Just give me the strength to move on and forget. It’s just hard and painful to imagine someone you love the most together with some random guy. It’ll kill me if that happens but what can I do? I have to be  extra strong.

“No I’m not. I’m just trying to be strong because I have no other choice. I can’t let people see me outside looking weak and vulnerable. I have to pretend that everything is fine. I have to look strong even if right inside I’m dying. I can’t shake these feelings, they just won’t go away. No matter how hard I tried to let go and forget, I always end up going back to her.

So no, I am not okay. I don’t actually think I’ll ever be. I am so fucking tired seeking advices and comfort from other people who are mostly pretending to give a damn. I don’t want people to pity me either. I know what I need and none of you can give me that.

I want to be happy again.”

So I came back home today. It was pouring when I arrived in the airport. Everyone seems happy and they have someone waiting for them outside. I got my luggage and went out in the rain. I feel dead cold and sad. I got myself under a coffee shop shed, the wind was blowing hard and it feels like everything’s wrong. Beside me were two kids and their mom, I can see glimmer in their eyes as a man in a denim jacket approached them. The joy painted in their faces, it was priceless. I was envious, my head was filled with thoughts of pain, happiness and longing. I am alone and no one cares for me now. My only best friend in the world, I lost her just like that. Then I started to disgust the place. I tried to pull myself together, I have to get out of here I told myself. I shrugged and took a cab to the nearest van terminal, there I realized that I was drenched.

It took some time to load my stuffs on the back of the vehicle, I got in the back seat and fix myself a little as we hit the road. I was texting at the moment with my uncle when he sent me a text message that’s not even connected to what we were talking about and something just died inside of me. I tried to hold back my tears but it was there already, the woman I sit next to asked, “Are you okay?,What’s wrong? Can I help?” . I told her that there was nothing she can do. I just feel both sad and happy at the moment. And read uncle’s text over and over again.. I hope I could get over this feeling really soon, ‘cause it sucks. But what if I couldn’t?  I can’t help thinking about the past, that I would do anything so I could go back and change things. But there’s a part of me too telling that what happened was for the best, that it wasn’t just my mistake, it wasn’t my loss, something like that.

I am too fed up with lies and I don’t know what to believe in anymore. Everything is bullshit and time is my only friend.

View of Matnog Port from our rented boat

‘course you need a boat to get to the island, costs 1500-2000 pesos. A regular boat can hold 10-15 persons. 

This one’s a big and long one.

Fish Sanctuary lagoon, buy fish feeds to enter, feed the fishes. Brilliant!

They’re not that hungry, they’re just putting on a show pretending they love it.

Souvenirs, 100 ea.

Finally, Subic beach in Calintaan Island. Virgin, that’s why people love it. Heard the owner will be developing it though, they’re gonna have a party here next year for sure.

Rent small boats for 100 pesos a day, you can go to the small subic beach past the rocks on the left side of the island. 

Well that’s it. I’ll be posting some of our fun times there as well next. Looking forward to get back there very soon.